the new perfectionism: Four tips to ease the trap

"Be happy, don't get angry, be unique, don't be weird, be bold, don't take up too much space, be real, don't be too real" and the list of prescriptives goes on ad infinitum.

Most of us are unknowingly suffering from internal OCD, an anxious effort to feel better (more secure) by controlling who and how we are. So instead of allowing the full breadth of our experience, we try to inhibit and limit the emotions, needs, and impulses that arise. This is like trying to control the tides of the ocean.

The brain wires based on past experience punctuated by survival needs, which when we are very young consists almost entirely of the bond with our caregivers. As we grow up we gather information about what is and is not okay first in our childhood environment and then in the cultural (our tribe) norms.

We have moved from just an external perfectionism and are now filled with unconscious and conscious demands on our psychic and emotional selves based on what was encouraged, discouraged, ignored, or celebrated in our family or community.

It is nearly impossible to feel at peace if we are constantly inhibiting our true and full experience because there is always efforting against ourselves. These are tiny acts of aggression that block our access to the love, joy and intuition we need to thrive.

We tend to contract with fear, we do this around what we perceive is threatening inside--viewing ourselves as a threat and cutting off the flow of our energy is very painful and upsetting for our nervous system.

How do we get out of this feedback loop of internalized shame?

First, begin to recognize when you make yourself bad or wrong for what is naturally arising inside you. Everything that is here is meant to be here or it wouldn't be! Just because you feel it doesn't mean you need to automatically express it. The more we can host our own experience the happier our nervous system is, the more choice we have about how we express things when we do.

Second, try repeating to yourself and all the emotions, sensations, thoughts in there--"I love you and you are welcome here". Use a few breaths to make space in the tight spots for what is in there. You are turning towards, rather than away from yourself. You don't need to keep doing to yourself what was done to you. We are our most consistent companion--how do you want to be treated?

Third, connect to the energy of the universe that created you (including all that arises within you) and adores you just as you are in this moment. We would never say to a flower "you can have 5 petals or 3 petals, but not 4--if you have 4 petals you are not loveable". Shift your alignment from the conditioned thoughts of your anxious ego and begin aligning with your heart. Just like we do for our partners or our children--we can offer unconditional love even if we don't like what they are doing. Love of your being is different from how you feel about what you are doing. Start by letting everything that arises be okay, and go from there.

And last, stop labeling. Throw out the idea of "good" or "bad" feelings, needs, thoughts. Let it all co-exist with curiosity and compassion. Love and safety aren't awarded for perfect behavior, they are accessed. The sooner we take our energy back from performing who we think we need to be, the sooner we can access the experience of the person we want to be.